To me it smacks of some kind of power trip. It ends then or when you leave. She's already found the man she wants, and she's trying to get him back. They just didnt get the emotional trauma I had gone through. I went through my divorce 3 years ago. Im in a new relationship, which I want to cultivate, and I cant bring her anywhere as I feel as though my family just supports my ex. I was beyond excited that I would have the chance to be close to my little sister, nieces, and new baby nephew. "If your ex doesnt want you to be friends with his or her family, you should respect that and back off," Masini says. It you leaving your family. Now its out of your control. We divorced after 18 years, and my family shunned me for the next six years while embracing him because I filed for divorce and they dont believe in divorce. You could draw the line and tell your boyfriend that you're not going to events as long as his ex is there. If your ex doesn't want you to stay friends with their family, it might be best to respect their wishes. So dera, be happy and keep your head high with your kids and do the best you can. You are in complete denial. I know exactly how you feel, the same happened to me, and it still goes on. I met a guy right after I left my husband of 25 years. While taking 20 year olds around the world on trips Take care! He should only come round if you feel comfortable with it- and you dont feel comfortable. Totally agreeits beyond crazy!! If your boyfriend and his family find it hard to discuss sensitive issues, then youll probably have to be the one to bring it up. I am responding to Theresa Channer, One of my very best friends is an ex, who is now also really close with my current partner. All I could do was email. I went to bed. Someone has free choice to support you or not but that doesnt take away the truth of what I have said above. I am sorry you lost your family but if she can do that to her own daughter she does not deserve to be a mother. It sucks to share. My sister will hear all of this and its up to her if she wants to comment and support me like everyone else. It was due to the fact that most did not agree with her wanting to destroy our family for the sake of finding herself and date other men. I invite him to birthdays along with his new wife and her 3 kids shes pregnant with a 4th that is his. Now I realize Im not alone. Dont lose your children too by being too polite and accommodating to your ex. That fact that you are asking this question says that you are concerned about thisand rightfully so. There is absolutely no explanation for their choices, they can no longer use its for the kids because it most certainely is not. I am so sorry for your loss. Especially the first year. I was absolutely heartbroken and also full of anger. A marriage isnt a date, slut. Thats why you should be careful when marrying. Not much you can do about it really, it will probably cause a rift, and like me have very little to do with them any more. Doesnt sound like it. I wouldnt have dreamed of honing in on my exes family. I feel like my family (and maybe yours too) blame me for ending the marriage yet never ask me why I would want to do that. It just seems so disrespectful and unsupportive, and I cant imagine why shed WANT to come to our home except as a way to validate that by having her there, we like her as much as we love him. And no I never complained about my ex until I realised what a nasty person I had been living with all those years. I feel sorry for my ex husbands new partner because she will sadly see the light in the long run. Partly because My Brother never liked my Ex-husband, and talked awful about him and never hung out with him. Your ex sounds psycho, honestly. Her ex is doing all this just to upset herand he is the one who walked out of their marriage one day and never came back! Speaker at universities, conferences and debates, like the University of Amsterdam, University of Utrecht and University of Nijmegen. Some of my family did the same thing!! Let me explain when someone has been playing mind games for years and especially if you have grown up in a dysfunctional family you accept that abuse due to grooming/conditioning and low expectations and also because basically because youre a good person who doesnt think for a minute your partner has an agenda. "If your partner tends to make late-night calls to his or her ex after you're asleep, it's because they have an intimate relationship that doesn't include you, Masini tells Elite Daily. Well it boils down to your family being dysfunctional in the first place. He is enjoying creating these problems for you. I knew Id lose friends after my decision, but never did I ever think Id lose my own family. Bur I would hope that you can rise above the natural pangs of jealousy and take a higher road to the future. He told my dad to tell me to go to hell (which of course he didnt) he tried to turn my kids against me(which are not his kids, theyre mine from another marriage) he also turned my sister against me, which her and I use to be close. I thinks its great that you all get along but you guys split for a reason hes moved on and your family should let him! So thank you. Staying in touch with an ex who abused you, cheated on you, lied to you and left you after twenty years is not ok. The most painful thing as that I was pregnant with our second baby. My husbands ex still hangs with his family along with her new husband. I left his family alone out of respect for him but hes basically taken mine from me. Some of your options are: take a break from your family until you feel differently, tell your family to choose you or him (I do not recommend this), grin and bear it by going to holidays anyway even though you dont like who you are around him. She is 85 and time is precious. How are things currently? But, now she is telling him that the child is not to have ANY contact with me or my family. THAT plus all the years of covert abuse makes them most definitely unworthy and unacceptable company. My sister never comes to see me either so her point is completely invalid about that anyway. This is on her. She is best friends with my ex, and she fully supports her like SHE is her family and Im the outsider. There can be many reasons for your boyfriend to keep his ex's pictures on his Instagram. Her SIL then posts family photos on social media of said vacation and similar events. He quite happily told my Father that I couldnt do anything because I didnt have any money! I want all of your contacts so we can all be friends . No respect for her feelings . There needs to be compromise. Hi, Im Tim Veninga. So sorry to hear I am not alone. Your sister lived the reality. My father had obviously been holding onto bitterness since my Mother left and that combined with his selfish nature has cost him dearly but I honestly think it doesnt bother him. I actually did ask my Mom to not engage so much with him, she basically flat out told me no. } Did she find someone new, get bored, etc? I was married for 7 years and had three children with my ex. Does divorce warrant total detachment from ex family???? But the family members that go along with this maybe unconsciously participating and then you just need to let go. I have stopped working over 5 months ago since I started getting money from this money spell LORD SAN did for me. This hurts like hell:(. Many divorces occur, because someone was a terrible spouse. I to am in the same struggle. Perhaps some can, and good for them, but lets get real people! Their actions seem strangeas if they are attempting to spite you. when I met her, she claimed to be separated for 4 years already, yet she still lived with her ex, at the beginning I didnt complained, after seeing that she was being very complasive with her ex, I started to ask her to leave her exes house and come to live at mine, so she did, but she kept on going back, every time that I asked her why she would do that, she would find a reason, every time we had misunderstandings, shell end up spending the night there. I have a similar situation going on, but with a twist. Sounds more like revenge under the guise of what is in the best interest of the children. They wont see it that way until you can communicate that. I am sorry you and so many others are dealing with this. ", I also wish that I wake up and the hurt will be gone and Ill somehow find a way to not care and forget them. There are two types of instances that would be aggravating factors. I respect his space and time with his family. Lady , if you are reading this I hope you find someone new and worthy of you . He compares you to her 7. They tell me that hes still family because of all the time we spent together, but I got completely cut off from his family and yet I still have to share family gatherings on my side with him. We must not enable manipulation. Perhaps instead of the wronged people being expected to do all the forgiving the enablers should take a long, hard look at their own behaviour and the part they played and ask for forgiveness themselves. Its purposeful. They are also divorced and not once have I contacted their ex. I personally chose to cut ties with my exs family. I have seen this one other time bet there was infidelity involved and the family blamed the breakup on their family members infidelity and stayed very close to the offended partner. I shouldnt have to spend days we marked off as being my day with my children sharing them with him now. You have been super women for your kids. My ex always said I had issues with authority is all I wasnt abused by her. A slap in the face. She especially seems to need my inlaws, still calling them Mom and Dad after 8 years divorced? Well, I can tell you from personal experience that it absolutely is. Children suffer when parents do not make eventual peace. Let them know that being treated as if you are the Ex is inappropriate and hurts. He was sensitive enough to my sisters childishness that he would not come over when she was around. Theres nothing wrong with them still being friendly with your ex, but to take it to the point where theyre spending holidays with him and bbqs with him and hanging out all the time. We were good friends, he backed off from my sister because he seen me alot, he still had feelings for me I did not. Take care. He might work hard for what he has but that suggests you value material and financial effort more than other factors. Yesterday he text her about how wrong it was, how it hurt him and was a huge mistake. Her Ex was fine with it and he was baptized there. I got back in touch with my Dad last year and after months of phone calls he wouldnt even meet up with me 5 minutes from his house with me making a 90 mile journey! My mom is raising my 3 oldest children. Its very painful and I dont understand. divorced so I know. Im so sorry you are experiencing this. And I think your ex needs to back off. Wow! My fiance's mom sill talks to his ex girlfriend all the time. Its very unsettling and sad but i have found any attempt to explain myself simply invites more denial/blame. My Dad, Step Mum and siblings did the same to me. Instead of passively participating in it. Go with your gut. You say you love them but could it be trauma bonds? It might take him a very long time to completely let go of his ex. Don't try to stop their friendship, just look for some options for the two of you so you can feel more confident. She knows how I feel and tries to keep things secret which only makes it worse. Happened with my father. This was despite the fact that I had no access to money, my home, possessions, car and mental/physical health problems. If you cant answer yes to most of those then your true answer is no! Fix your things and youll feel better about the rest. Get a new boyfriend. Long story short. These are six ways to stay in touch with your ex's family, respectfully: Talk To Your Ex First If your desire to stay close with your ex's family is strong enough to fight for, be an adult. over 34 affairs( some. } relationships have to end because you changed your mind about being married? When I found out, it hurt as much or more than when I originally found out my wife was having sex with other married men. Stay strong in who you are. Because my family are friends with our exsmy husband and I. After a 5 year breach i was the one that reached out an olive branch to my Dad. I feel betrayed and have lost any trust between my siblings and myself. To me, its not even important. You don't have to cut an ex's family out entirely after a breakup. This happened in my life as well. My own very sick mother suggested to my ex that he call me to let me know he was there so there was no confusion. I love them, they will always be my family but I have decided to not involve myself with them. I dont talk to or see my family anymore. The best revenge is a life well lived, so show your ex that you are whole and happy even around him by getting the support you need. I didnt even know about it until SHE told me. I didnt live in the same state. It only makes for an uncomfortable situation and possible heat/arguments/embarrassment that couldve been avoided in the first place. Not only this but you expect your ex husband to completely abandon his emotional connections he forged with your family? Of course my heart was ripped out and I have voiced my feelings about the whole situation to only be ignored. Once again, I put myself out there to my sisters hoping they would see him for what he truly is. There is no reason to have the EX around. Prayers for all of your victims of this horrible act of disloyalty and betrayal. Thats a completely separate entity altogether. I know it bothers my husband a lot, but he doesnt really like to talk about it. He hasn't yet introduced you to his family and friends 8. I know that he badmouthed me when I asked for the divorce and never took any responsibility in his role, i.e. How can I get him to think of me instead of his ex? I am going through something similar my ex-boyfriend of 28 years always got along with my family and helped with house projects and things of that nature. But that family is now also his extended family. She was cruel about it. I still have no sympathy for him, at least not as much as my mother does but you know what? weve been dating for just about 5 months now and he talks to her sometimes and brings her up from time to time knowing it bothers me. You just should deal with this situation because now a days, generally people dont spoil their relationships because of anybody. Ive never had a problem before until she doughty the house next door. Just because a family member gets divorced doesnt mean the other family member has to divorce the other party. When she hangs out with his family still, that means that she still hopes that she can get . No. Ann, I agree with every word you have written. A year and a half ago I split up with my partner as did my 20-year-old daughter from hers. I dont even recognize myself at all anymore. My mum keeps in contact with my ex who I was with for 6 months and who was abusive towards me. Things improved a lot when I was able to explain how and why it hurt me but Im still not ready to be close. I wish everyday I wake up and this is a bad dream. I have tried to ignore all this, since I dont want problems in my life any, yet, here I am, 3 years after, and she still makes her ex a part of her life, although she tries to hide it, she makes mistakes and I end up knowing of her cordiallity towards her ex. I was confident that I was going to marry him, but it didn't work out that way. A mind set that once escaped it is best to stay away from! I completely understand this as well. Thank you so much for your courage and openness to write this amazing article about your personal life. Apparently they like him better than they like you and are willing to sacrifice you for him, which is a whole different therapy session, but if you want your family back, you have to make him and his new girlfriend be the ones to decide that it just feels weird to be part of YOUR family any longer. I smoke in the garage . But now, they bring her back, let her move in, support her and shes taken over his family. You where married for 13 years. Bless you. Still single, still playing the victim, still stuck in the same mindset still an abusive bully. He knew my Mom and I had long term issues we had been working thru. Which odds are they will grow up and repeat the same cycle. Who do you think you are? In my search for a very similar question I have, I ran across it. "text": "You need not be friends with your ex for better co-parenting. His family stopped talking to me immediately and my family was still liking his Facebook pictures and talking to him like nothing was happening. I typically dont share my personal life online, however I completely relate to your situation as im going through the same thing.I have been divorced for over nine years and in the last 10 months or so my mom and sister (and her family) have been secretly hanging out with my ex-husband and his girlfriend for get togethers, holidays, and special events. Went through a similar thing with my family. Of course.I would welcome them speaking to her. You cant dictate who his family invite to the house, but you can make sure youre not there when his ex is. Somethings just dont change. He used to get up really early and leave the house without telling me where he was going visit my family and tell them i wouldnt get out of bed etc. The lightbulb finally came on that my husband was emotionally abusive, financially abusive and beginning to get physically abusive. The pain you are feeling now will be lessened with time. If you notice any of these, then you can be sure that he still likely has feelings for her, and might even consider getting back together with her. you have to walk away.. if you go to church, especially non denominational, you make new family. I need that! I know im currently going threw this but i put a side the negative feelings for my ex because thats what mature adults do. Weve been divorced for 9 years, and I remarried 5 years ago. reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2010): A my family invited him to all family events and I was allowed but I had moved on and met someone and my new guy wasnt allowed at any family events. My mother and all the family still stayed close to her. Ive always been very close to my older sister. Going through the same thing. She must be devastated, and rightfully so. It's ridiculous to ask you to come to his family events with his ex there. If you recognize some of these signs, and youve only been dating for a few months, then there isnt much cause for concern. I have good friends. I feel worried when the kids get themselves into scary situations but he flakes out and completely ignores me. His birthday was 2 weeks ago, she didnt even talk to him on that day or any day after. With all due respect we arent talking about reasonably well adjusted people who simply get on with exes for the sake of the family unit. You begin to heal and flourish, you grow as a person, amazing new opportunities open up for you because you are no longer living with the insidious poison of someone who is a bully and has to abuse others just to make themselves feel good about themselves. I split with my ex wife 7 years ago before my daughter was 2. You may have had a wonderful friendship with your ex's siblings or parents, but that doesn't mean you'll instantly recover from a breakup. Your post struck a chord with me because I too grew up thinking family was everything only to then be turned on by my own. Still so many ignorant about abuse! And while I can certainly live without the likes of her, its my parents going along with it that hurts the most. He would show up to eat and then leave when it was anything to do with my family. "For instance, if your partner loves travel, and you don't and won't, and you see him or her enjoying this passion with an ex, you've basically given that ex a tacit invitation to interfere in your relationship," says Masini. But if youre a year down the line and he still hasnt introduced you to his friends and family? She used to get so mad shed send her family angry texts which just made things worse. He has texted my dad telling him thanks for being there for him in the past and he still considers him a dad. I think family should support you. Its her turn to try.Right family? This one you should probably have noticed. Thank goodness for someone who gets it! But now my father told me that he and my mom want to be friends with him and they dont care that it bothers me! I dont buy it. I hope this isnt the case with you, but perhaps he keeps bringing up things like: I remember when (name of his ex) and I were in Paris. If your boyfriend, for example, were best friends with his ex and she continued to be mean to you, that might be a battle worth fighting. They lie to me about where my ex is when he has my son bc he thinks its fun to alienate me and not tell me where he is with our 2 yr old or who he has him around and his family will lie to me in a heartbeat even when im pleading with them to tell me bx the ex wont answer any of my calls or texts when Im trying to call to tell my baby goodnight. Being happy is better than pretending to be while people walk over you and your feelings of toxicity. Christmas?Easter? Deal with it. Anyway, if you feel that hes doing this to you, its a very clear sign that hes not completely over his ex. In fact it sounds like he is a nice guy and her family sincerely likes him. I am so thankful for your post and all the supportive comments. My brother would not uninvite him to his wedding and i didnt go as i was scared of my ex and so hurt by my brother. Just saying. Im such a positive and optimistic person too!!! I feel she is and would be ever willing to compromise whereas the impression is given that they are just not willing to listen to or respect her feelings and that is NOT healthy and indeed the hallmark of emotional abuse. I was incensed and heartbroken. Be overly friendly, in fact. The ex lied to the high school staff that court orders existed, that I could not come see her or attend events. I couldnt believe these posts as I have gone through the same thing. I cant for the life of me fanthoming to do that to any one let alone my own child. },{ Breakups are tough, and it can be difficult to navigate the postmortem rules. I had to advocate for services for my son and part of that was paying $2000 for a neuropsychologist evaluation. I realise my ex was running me down for years. My ex was very controlling and mentally abusive and more personal reasons I dont care to share. Tell them you love them but, they are not showing you respect or love by their actions and that it hurts. They need to support you in your transition out of the relationship The human race is one messed up emotional bag of nonsense. Your ex sounds like a complete narcissist. If they want a relationship with your ex, then they should do that outside of family functions that should include you! We werent around family. Someone who gets off on power and control. No , you are not unreasonable, your family are betraying you , everyone can understand how you feel when your family pick your ex and his girlfriend over you , you dont have to take all that unnecessary pressure if you see they continue stop hanging out with them , I know it is hard but believe me you will feel better after a while, I was in your situation too and I couldnt believe how my trust and love were betrayed and took long time to get over my feelings for my family but it is over and I feel much better. A good man, a good father. Hes a very nice person so I understand that they still cared for him but there are unfortunately times you have to end up choosing a side. LRBTexas, It makes me cry too, as a 40yr old grown ass dad man. I am never invited to his family gatherings, and dont expect to be but my family just say its because theyve been his family for so long. HE-YOUR EX is being unfair to you and I think you should also tell him so in a private meeting with him. Be happy, enjoy your kids every single day!!! The family have known the ex for 3 years and have chosen to carry on being friends with her, they are just getting to know you. You need to control your reaction. To some extent it is also your fault for not telling them you had an issue with it, how else are they expected to know? I have never interfered with their marriage and have no intention to get involved now. Because I sincerely believe that hes got your best interests at heart. It was sickening. Divorce is such a bitch for women and they get no support. But your family should understand that unfortunately severing ties with your Ex comes with the territory of divorce. My brother did the same thing to me. The bitterness seems to just grow and turns into something quite ugly. 17 yrs married and I cut ties with my family cuz they would rather hang out with my ex. 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